Where the Stars Are Bright...

Deeply unsatisfied I turned up my soon to be thumping worship music as high as it would go and I jumped on my new treadmill. I had been trying something new lately…spirited worship music while I worked out instead of my usual fair of secular radio. I knew I was a dry soul as of late and had expressed such to some friends here in Dallas. There encouragement to me was baby steps and this was one of their suggestions. 

 

Today had gone pretty well. Husband was out of town with our six and eight year old leaving me home with only four kids. It practically felt like a vacation as we visited the animal shelter, park and library. Laying around in the afternoon watching David Copperfield  while Little Z napped and then throwing together a quick dinner I really couldn’t complain about my day. However, the deep unsatisfaction that had taken root in my heart frightened me somewhat. What had I become as of late?

 

As I thumped along to the rhythm of a song whose lyrics I couldn’t make out I set me mouth in a grim straight line. I wasn’t happy. Slowly as I tread along I was aware of my hunched tight shoulders and short gait. I wasn’t just all balled up on the inside but on the outside also. Feeling my throat constrict and my breathing quicken I fought back tears unsure of how to handle my current personal predicament.   Was it okay to confess such things to God that were ruminating in my head? The deep matters of the heart that I didn’t want to even think in the safety of my mind let alone whisper out loud? Instantly I knew that it would be okay. My God liked me to be real and raw I was just sure of it. He would want me to tell him no matter how ugly it was. He knew anyway, right?

 

By mile two a verse popped into my head, one I had heard probably hundreds of times. Create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me. I grasped onto it like a newborn grabs his mother’s hair, tight and in a fist interweaving fingers with strands making it difficult to pull out. As I thumped along I spoke out loud with emphasis create and renew. Those two words were it. He needed to create in me a new heart. He needed to renew my spirit. I couldn’t do it and believe me I had been trying.   So there I ran and spoke aloud several times this little verse that had welled up in my heart like a city park fountain. Standing straighter I threw back my shoulders and lengthened my stride. New energy came into my step as the music thumped reassuringly in the background. I could even breathe easier as my outlook shifted ever so slightly one wouldn’t know by looking but rather only by feeling. A change was coming and I took great comfort in knowing that just like my life…Rome wasn’t built in a day. However, the process had started. A tiny shift that I hoped would bring me to a place of satisfaction once again.

 

Picking up my pace for my last mile I began to pray. I prayed over my house and over our particularly difficult four year old child. Aware of how I had been dealing with him naturally and on my own with no help from God and failing miserably over and over again I took great care to listen for His voiced as I prayed. I was reminded that we do not wrestle with flesh and blood but principalities and rooted out the insecurity, rejection, and abandonment in my son and asked for wisdom and patience for us to love him into being right and whole again in this world. My thoughts moved onto me and my insecurities; my indwelling thoughts and my longing for rescue, love, appreciation, and admiration. These things I had been looking to the world for and was coming up painfully short. I could see now that this was one of the deep roots securely attached to my dissatisfaction. Pondering the things that triggered my pain I tucked them away in my heart to think on them and await opportunity to deal. There was too much in a short three mile run to hash out and felt good about my progress today. I was glad that I had felt the shift in my spirit, almost like a trickle in the dam before eventually down the road it gushes out and breaks.  

 

Cooling down to a walk I chose to not be overwhelmed by all the work and adjustment that needed to happen in my life.   Wasn’t this what our journey was all about? About growing, groaning, learning, laughing, falling, rising, climbing, leaping and so forth? I took great comfort that I truly was a work in progress, clay on the potter’s wheel. Jumping off my treadmill I headed out my front door for a quick walk around my neighborhood block. Breathing deeply through my nose of the sweet Texas air I exhaled out just as deeply into the pitch dark night already thinking about what tomorrow night’s run might bring.

I cannot even look back and remember what it was that used to make up the person that I see in pictures of past. But maybe that is the way it’s supposed to be. No one ever told me that in my early thirties I would feel slightly washed up and mostly done all the while frantically searching for who I was. Does everyone feel this way or is it just moms with a lot of kids that wrestle with an identity crisis. I find myself lately glancing longingly at those in their 20’s totally footloose and fancy free without really a care in the world. Do they know to live it up now? Do they take advantage of their alone time and independence? Probably not. I know I didn’t. Now as I’m quickly closing in on the ripe old age of 34 I feel a bit stifled and for lack of a better word contemplative. I’m searching right now for me. 

 

Though the joy in my journey to motherhood has been overwhelming at times this newest phase of life that has me changing a two year olds diaper one moment and then incessantly gabbing about "Twilight" and other important teenage phenomenons the next, has me feeling like a slightly new mom and an almost empty nester. How can this be? I’m only 33. I’m too young to have a child in high school (yet I do) and really I have too many kids now to have much of a life outside of my four walls of living. I’ve become someone I don’t even recognize and I wonder if it is someone I can learn to love again, or at least appreciate and accept.
 

Crazy as it may sound I contemplate getting a little ink on my back or buying a little lower cut shirt to jazz up my day. Is this how we women in our thirties with children try to reclaim our youth? What has happened to me? I swear I am losing my mind. All that I can think of now as I’m up to my elbows in laundry and dishes and sometimes good hair days is that I would like someone, anyone to rescue me. I know that really and truly the only one who can completely and utterly sweep me off of my feet is Jesus. I know this in my head but my heart is looking elsewhere. So here I sit in my spiritual crisis looking to anything and everybody but Him. But even in the midst of that truth I take a strange comfort in the fact that God knows that. I’ve told him as much. I’m in a bottomed out place trying to find my way out. Eventually I’ll get there I’m sure.

 

Not knowing really what I’ve left totally behind of the old me, all that I can do now is square my shoulders forward and assess the situation and get to know the new me. We’ve chosen a life in Texas with six children and a busy schedule sans husband who is studying like mad for his boards. This is what it is so this is what I have to work with. I just didn’t know these choices would lead to a total reinvention and drastic overhaul of me. I can only hope that as I forge through this phase that when I emerge on the other side I am stronger, more spiritual (even though right now I’m floundering), and more beautiful than I have ever been before. So here I sit sorting out the alarming details of the reinvention of me and realize really that the show must go on.

So today I kissed my two year olds brown chubby cheeks and the bridge of his nose and shoved aside thoughts of my inner total melt down.  Today I dropped my daughter off at school teasing her about her fluttering butterflies because she may get to talk to a boy she deemed cute.  So what if I don't have it all figured out.  At least I was being real and beginning to sort throught the complicated matter of growing up and growing older.  The complicated matter of finding balance and peace when one is feeling empty, overwhelmed, and unsatisfied.  Even if things in my heart and my mind aren't quiet and settled my day must go on.  My kids need that.  My husband needs that.  I need that.  With that I hummed along to the radio searching  once again for the answers that so profusely eluded me.  Smiling slightly to myself I was sure they couldn't elude me forever.  There will come a day when I will embrace this new me and walk in total confidence again.   That day will be the reinvention of me.

Staring up at the Houston skyline I couldn’t help but shrug my shoulders a bit at our pile of luggage and kids. We certainly didn’t look like we fit in at the posh hotel that towered over us as the doorman elegantly stacked the “Lightning McQueen” sleeping bag onto the cart just over the snack bucket. Husband and I laughed that we looked like we were going camping…not about to spend the night at a downtown hotel. 

 

Ushering the kids through the giant revolving doors I wondered if one would get squished and breathed a sigh of relief when they all made it through. The marble floors looked as if they had never been walked on and I shushed and hissed at the kids to be quiet as we stomped like elephants past a quiet bar to the elevators. Pushing number seventeen I stared down at Little Z who took great joy in the swift ride up even though he was oh so tired. The day had been a long one and we were glad to finally arrive.

 

The excitement started at noon as I picked Grandma Mooshie up from the airport. I couldn’t imagine how tired she must have felt after a day of flying and then a car trip from Dallas to Houston. We left as close to after school as we could…which meant about two hours later and then managed to land at every ghetto gas station along the way.   Gone were the days when you “held it” for the next nice new road stop. No, now when a kid had to go he had to go and there was no waiting or tempting fate lest I ended up with pooped in underwear or a peed on car seat. Nope. We stopped at ghetto and were grateful. 

 

Now it was late into the night and we had an early morning court appointment for our adoption and the run down gas stations seemed so far behind us. Sliding my card key into the hotel room door I was glad to finally see a bed. The kids however ran straight for the floor to ceiling windows that overlooked the sparkling city. Our two oldest gazed out the expanse in awe. Never had they been in such a place before. Smiling at their excitement I was glad they were happy. Opportunity to see new things was important to me and it gave me joy to know that the moment in the hotel was a fresh one for them. 

 

Dividing and conquering husband took three kids next door and got them into bed while I, my mom, my daughter and the two little ones worked on bedding down for the night. Little Z bounced non-stop in his pack-and-play wired from little sleep and Tommy insisted on sleeping with Grandma. Removing him from my bed because I certainly wouldn't fit in the "Lightning McQueen" sleeping bag I tucked Tommy in on the floor next to grandma.  No way no how was I giving up my spot next to my mom.  Finally the lights went out in our room and through a slit in the curtain the city shone through. I knew that the morning would come too soon. Closing my eyes I let the flurry of the day subside as the surreal moment fell upon me that in just a few short hours the children that we now knew as our own would officially become family. The excitement of court kept my mind awake as my body sunk into the fresh white linens. Listening quietly to the heavier breathing of Tommy and the finger sucking of Little Z, I knew that they hadn’t a clue what was about to transpire. For them it was just another whirlwind trip with the family. Silently in my mind I checked off all that needed to happen in the morning until I dozed off to sleep as a mother of two for the last time.


Zackary Nicholas Calvin


Tommy Matthew Lyle

Staring through the opening of the double bathroom doors I caught a glimpse of Little Z in his Sunday finest. I had told daddy that his shirt was hanging in the closet so I couldn’t help but sigh when I saw what he was wearing. There draped over his little stocky body was a giant plaid shirt just grazing his ankles. It was Little Brown Eyes shirt he was wearing that almost completely engulfed his little form. Didn’t daddy notice? Plus it was a wrinkled mess.   Not only was it three sizes too big but it looked like it had been pulled out of the bottom of the laundry basket.

 

Yelling up the stairs at my husband that our two year old was swimming in a size 5T button up shirt he yelled back down that I had told him it was in the closet. Humored I yelled back that three little boys shared the same room so therefore three little boys shirts hung in the closet. His response back was simply that he had gotten the shirt from the closet where I had said it would be.

 

Stripping him down to his jeans I hauled the baby back up the stairs in search of the right size shirt for him to wear. My mornings, my days, well my everything had become this. This all consuming around the clock saturation of children. Heading toward the bedroom I saw husband was already all over the “right” shirt and I handed the chubby cherub to his daddy for an appropriate dressing. I was done with the baby at the moment…my make-up needed to be applied and my hair done if we were going to make it to church on time. 

 

Still grinning as I headed down the stairs I couldn’t help but think how my life had changed over the past two weeks.   Adding two older kids to our routine had been helpful and stressful all at the same time. The kids were great there was no doubt about it but I was still trying to find my footing in this new world. Cooking, cleaning, and laundry for eight was a full-time job and I had not had one second to myself since they had arrived. My neat and tidy family of four a year ago had exploded into an array of eight very different people acting as a mirror of my former self. Who had I become and would I ever find out who I was supposed to be?

 

Carefully applying my mascara I pondered the thoughts I had been having. Over the course of the last few days I had found myself swimming in them, almost immersed in them as I paddled and steered my new course. I did feel lost but something inside me knew that eventually I would be found. Perhaps by my children, maybe by my husband, probably by me and most certainly by God. I had to be okay with that. Dabbing on some perfume made me happy to be a woman and smacking my lip glossed lips I knew I was ready to face the world one more time. Spinning around while I adjusted my necklace my eyes caught site of my newly dressed baby all shiny and fresh for church. He had wandered back into the bedroom looking for who knows what to plunder. Scooping him up into my arms I held him close under my chin and planted a lip gloss sticky kiss on his temple. Smiling, squirming, and giggling at my close proximity sniffles of love his little fingers flailed about with admiration for me and my antics. No matter who I became or what was to become I had my family, my big beautiful family. Things were different that was for sure.  Besides, who wanted to be the same old same old for the rest of their lives?  Setting down Z in his right fitting shirt I knew he was a reflection of my life.  Watching him toddle his way out the door I thought to myself that maybe I wasn't really lost, I just had to get used to the new outfit.

I Wish I Could Hug God Today

I wish I could hug God today

Sounds silly doesn’t it

Me, hugging God

Well it’s true I wish I could hug God today

I’d tell Him I care and say thank you

I’d tell Him I’d share

Share my heart with the wonderful ones He has given to me

I wish I could hug God today

Tell Him I remember

Remember when I noticed

Noticed the blessings

First a wee little girl

Then a wee little boy

No two could be more different

One crowned with peach fuzz

The other a shock of hair

Next came a toddler, sweet and snuggly

Then another baby, wiggly and warm

Later a little boy cautiously steps into my life

Then shortly one other, timid and spry says, “Hi”

Now two more, excited, brave and full of joy are seen at the door

So now do you see why I wish I could hug God today?

Doesn’t sound so silly any more…my wish to hug God today

Mom:   Alex, please don't put your pancake on your head.

Alex:  What are nuts mom?  The mayor in "Horton" got hit in the nuts.

Carlosse:  (Proudly.)  I taught him that mom.

Dad:  We'll talk about this later.

Mom:  They are your privates honey.

Alex:  Well they shouldn't be calling them nuts they should be calling them your privates.

Mom:  Let's talk about this later.  Eat your pancake.

To all of our friends and family we want to wish you a very Happy New Year's Eve.  This year has been filled with adventure, change, laughter and tears. If you would have asked me on New Year's Eve of 2008 what the year would be like I would never have been able to come up with what we actaully lived out!  I knew Matt would graduate and I knew we were getting a 17 month old foster son but that was about it.  Here we sit a year later in Dallas, Texas in our new home with four new children to call our own.  Do I even dare guess what 2009 will bring?  I guess I'm certain of this.  It will be a year of firsts as we have two older kids join our family adventure.  We'll have first birthdays with them and first vacations and first meeting of all the relatives and so forth.  There will be lots of new too as we learn how to parent pre-teens and teens...but what is so really very exciting this year is the fact that 2009 is a year of hope.  Hope first of all in our never failing God and then hope for our children.  Last year four of them were in limbo with no family to call their own and no idea where their lives would end up.  They were most likely scared,  confused, sad, and for sure uncertain of their future.  We know that in 2009 we will finalize not one, not two, but four adoptions bringing hope to our four new kids.  Hope and opportunity.  Even though their lives have been full of heartache I see joy in their future with us.  Joy in having new brothers and another mom and dad to look out for them who have their best interest in mind.  Joy in having a stable home with not only us opening our arms with love but our extended family too.  I look forward to the upcoming months as we all (friends and family) continue to walk out our lives on this earth.  Don't you just love living life?  Even with the heartaches and the troubles it truly is an amazing gift.  Signing off for the last time in 2008 I wish y'all the very best. 

Happy New Year!

Niki

Taking down the ornaments I knew that even though it was one piece at a time I was still accomplishing something. I had turned up the Christmas music and set myself to task, I had to start settling into this new home of ours. I was determined to embrace our “new plans” for Christmas and try not to think that I was supposed to be in Washington drinking coffee with my mother-in-law all the while oohing and ahhing over her new kitchen.

 

I had to admit that the gloomy cloud did have a silver lining and I chose to dwell on that. We had merely postponed our trip until March and by that time we’d have all the kids and be able to travel up north with our whole and complete family. The other silver lining was a week home with my husband which meant pictures would get hung, boxes unpacked, little odds and ends fixed, and lots of good family time. It wasn’t going to be all terrible… we just had to do some shifting.

 

But that was the problem I was having lately wasn’t it? The shifting? I thought about that as I gazed at my mini Starbuck’s snow globe ornament Best Friend had given me years back. As I gently shook it and watched the swirl of fake snow I tried to wade through the thoughts in my mind imagining them to be very much like the ornament I held in my hand. Could there be a thing as too much shifting? Too much change?

 

Looking back on our lives the past couple of years there had not been a time where we had truly “stopped” along the way.  It was also tugging at my heart that I have morphed into quite a different person in some ways. In other ways I'm exactly the same but in some ways I am totally different.  Someone I simply didn’t recognize at times. I had shifted and I wasn’t sure if it was normal to shift or good to shift or downright bad and ugly. No one had told me that I would shift. Did everyone shift? If everyone did then somebody out there should have warned me. But those thoughts were for another day. I had decorations to put away and a house to make and feel lived in.

 

Placing the ornament in my plastic Christmas box I continued to unload ornaments onto the floor making a pile “to keep” and one “to toss”. I had sentimentally been holding onto broken ornaments that I said I would fix but seeing now that years had gone by it really was time to let go. Some were as old as I was but with pieces gone forever there really was no hope. Choosing not to be attached I gathered up the broken pieces and desposited them in the trash.  It felt kind of sad but I was okay with it.  Sometimes we just had to let those broken pieces go.

Finally I pulled the last ornament off the tree and then began the task of unwinding the flickering white lights. I wound them around the three little trees fairly recently so it only took some cajoling and maneuvering to set the trees free. As I packed the lights rather neatly toward the top of the box I pondered some thoughts that I had been having.  That I had to be okay with things taking time. Was that the 2009 word for my life? That it was okay that it would take time and that I needed to take the time?

 

I had been struggling as of late with all of the change and adjustment.  I wasn' t used to being in such change and adjustment.  It was only one year ago Little Z came into our lives and then six months later his brother and a move to Dallas. Now six months later we have bought a home, are living amongst boxes and are acquiring two more children. I have no regrets and I know that it's right but frankly and honestly my head had not stopped spinning. Time.  I need to take time and it will take time.  With that I closed up all the boxes and gave a satisfied look around my new living room. It was naked and bare with that after Christmas feel. Of course I knew I had a long way to go in making my house my home but putting away decorations was a great start. I had found a place for them to sit and be safe until next year which felt oh so good to my soul. Maybe other things didn’t have a place, but my Christmas decorations did.

 

With that I hollered for Husband and he dutifully helped me put every last box in a little deep closet upstairs. Delighted at the nails he pounded into the wall for my wreaths and garland to hang, I tucked some errant items in between the three trees I had just undressed from their glory and shut the door firmly until next year…or until I found some wayward item I had missed which I was most certain would happen. Happy to be done I turned my eyes toward the hall to tackle another thing to make this home feel like mine. My eyes didn't have to travel far as they fixed on a box that belonged downstairs.  Directing Husband to relocate it I repeated to myself that yes it will take time but maybe that was just what I needed...time.
 

Well...I'm sad to say that our trip to Washington has been cancelled.  I have cried twice today because I've been planning and looking forward to this trip all fall (I even bought Santa hat'sand shirts for the kids to wear on the plane) but we think it's the best thing to do because of the weather.  Our airline is currently grounded in Seattle and I believe Spokane and we see that a huge storm is rolling in for Christmas Eve.   We just don't want to chance our safety or the possibility of being stranded in an airport.  Yeah, no thanks!!  Not with four little kids!!!!  So, I'm pulling myself together and making plans for fun things to do here and house projects to work on so we can be ready for the new year and our new kids.  I'm so sad I won't see y'all but we're hoping to make it out in March over the kids Spring Break.  That's not so far away, right?  Washington, you better not be dumping snow then!!!!

So today was bittersweet as I dropped our older kids off at the airport to go back to their current foster home (I had to take them to the gate so imagine me with six kids getting boarding passes, a pass that says I'm legite and my four kids are too to go past security and then taking six kids through security...shoes...coats...).  Let's just say it was quite humorous, adventurous and I bribed them all with ice cream and it worked like a charm.  I miss them so much already but I know they'll be here soon!!

Merry Christmas...more to come later!

Niki

First of all I must wish wish my amazing mom Happy Birthday!  Today she is a young 58 (sorry mom...I gave away your age) and astounds me every year.  This year has been busy with graduate school, doing her internship, and working part-time.  Plus she has continued to be a loving, caring, praying mom and grandma.  She is an example to me, my brother and her grandchildren and many other's as she walks her daily life.  Christ in her the hope of glory.  Happy Birthday Mom, Grandma Mooshie, Auntie Mooshie...you really are simply the best!

Now onto life in our new home!  God has truly blessed us in so many ways.  Last Friday the mover's came and in 5 hours had us totally loaded, moved, and unloaded.  They did an excellent job which for those of you who may have moved a lot can appreciate!  Of course I decorated for Christmas first before I unpacked...I needed festivity to surround me!  Our home is perfect for us with lots of space and the kids have really stretched out.  I feel settled and I dare say complete. Strangely enough buying this home and recieving yet again more children I actually feel like a piece that has been missing has (that maybe I didn't know was missing) been restored.  I think I have truly exhaled.  Had I been holding my breath?  I think in some ways I had been.  I was wondering where we were going to permanently live in Dallas and wondering about our children, so here in our new home in North Dallas I am breathing much easier.

So even though the garage doors don't work (one doesn't have an opener and one's remote has gone to the grave) and my dishwasher is broke (it only washes and won't stop...you have to manually cancel it and let it air dry), our gas fireplace needs new plumbing and Matt already replaced to leaky faucets and pipes... I can't help but count the many blessings too.   A friend donated very nice furniture (a dining room table, chairs, hutch, queen sized bed, sofa, and love seat) to help fill our home and furnish our new kids rooms.  We had the finances to purchase a home in a slumping economy.  We had a little left over to get a new washer, dryer, and refreigerator.  We live in a safe neighborhood in a cul-de-sac with a fenced yard and deck.  The schools our children attend are exemplary and recognized.  We are healthy, happy, and will be having a very white Christmas in Washington.  So even though we're not even close to being unpacked I just figure that it will all be here when I come back!

We celebrated an early Christmas with all of our kids (all 6 of them!) so here are a few pictures.


Alex playing with the lights!


Carlosse decorating the tree.


The tree decorated by the kids.


T hiding in the Santa hat!


Alex grinning from ear to ear.


Alex and Carlosse in their new storm trooper helmets (T not pictured).


Alex taking a break from raking leaves!


Alex still "breaking" from raking.

Today is our last full day with the older kids...they fly back to Houston tomorrow.  I've been busy shopping with my new daughter and Matt's been playing video games with the boys!  We've had good family dinners, baked and decorated cupcakes and tonight we'll have an informal family picture.  It will be hard to say goodbye...but only for a second because in two short weeks they'll be coming home for good. Thank you all for your prayers, well wishes, interest, and love.  This has truly been an amazing journey.  How did I get to be so blessed?  Even though life has had its difficult moments (like the loss of my dad and our journey through infertility) I can truly say that there is great joy in my heart.  Why such joy?  Because of a loving God who saved me and raised me to new life in Him (by way of relationship with Jesus) and for such a beautiful family (that includes a pretty rocking extended family too!) and close knit friends.  Thank you everyone for making life so incredibly fun and exciting.

Look for a February letter to be sent via snail mail...it will be all about our year in 2008 and our adoption love story. 

Merry Christmas to all and to All a Good Night!

Okay, there is an awesome site called www.totallyher.com  and if you register there are quite a few contests that you can enter!!  All you have to do is register and make comments on articles.  For example they are giving away $100.00 gift cards to two mom's and all you have to do is make a comment about what you would buy with the money (I said tickets to see Britney Spears), put a link on your blog, or tweet on tweeter!  Enjoy!!

totallyher.com/holiday-gifts-for-mom-from-totallyher/#comment-2897

Happy Winning!!!

Niki

We took advantage of the warmed up weather to frolic in the park right before dinner.  It was fun and we all needed to get out and expend a litlte energy.  I spent the day home with 3 out of 4 boys packing and cleaning while Matt took the van in with one of the kiddo's for new breaks, oil change and then he went and bought our washer/dryer and refrigerator!  So...we all needed a break!


Carlosse laying in the rocks.


T dumping rocks on Carlosse.  He loved it!


Matt making me laugh!


Alex giving a "nice" face.  He is such a clown!


Carlosse and me.


Oh the joys of having boys!

Sorry Matt is absent from the pictures...I only took some of him and Little Z so alas I cannot post!

Here's to tomorrow...another beautiful day with a high of 66.  We may just hit the park again!!

Well, my house is littered with clean laundry, packed boxes, unpacked boxes, and toys.  Looks like moving time is here again!  Monday we do a final walk-through on the house and Wednesday we sign the papers!  I even have carpet cleaners coming Wednesday night.  It is starting to sink in that we bought our house in Texas and that I'm going to be settling down for awhile.  I'm starting to get so excited!!  My plan here is to pack and clean as I go so that when we get the keys to our new place on Wednesday I can focus my energy over there.  Movers come Friday and by Friday night we should be sleeping in our new digs.  We're hoping to have another visit that weekend with the older kids too.  Let's see if I can pack anything else into that weekend!!  I'm hoping to take pictures on Monday so y'all can see our new home!  Have a happy weekend!

Today Little Brown Eyes came home with his Gingerbread House creation.  He nibbled on it all the way home and I dare say his had the most candy and frosting on it.  I surveyed the other kindergarteners and his was by far the most loaded!  Oh what joy!!!

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, mom look!  Frosting!! There is lot's of frosting!"

Little Brown Eye's response to the grass at his school that was kissed sparkly white with frost.

Unloading my bookshelves surrounding my fireplace made our move feel all the more real. I had been avoiding packing like most people I suppose. It’s not that I don’t want to get into my new house; it’s just that I was just feeling settled. That’s all I really want right now is to be settled. These past five days with all six kids in our home were strangely peaceful and calming. Then today minus two and back to our regularly scheduled lives I found myself wanting emotionally. My peace flew out of my heart like the dead leaves crumpled and rolling across my patio. There was much to do and I knew I was in for another upheaval. It was almost enough to make me cry but not quite. I hadn’t quite got to that point yet.

 

So as I loaded the books into their boxes I got angry. I got angry about all the junk in my house. Why did I have twenty Bibles? Why did I have old school books, picture albums, yearbooks, and other assorted items I hadn’t peeked at in over five years? Wasn’t there some rule of thumb that you toss it out if you haven’t touched it in a year? So there I crammed books into moving boxes as I mumbled about all the “stuff”. I had vowed to pack and tape shut two boxes today so I did. I set VHS workout tapes by the door to take for donation and wondered why I had hung on so long.

 

Gazing around at my half-naked walls and shelves I felt a little bit lonely, maybe even a bit empty. Although we had been in Dallas for six months I still felt a pang of loneliness once and again through my days. Oh, it wasn’t as bad as it used to be but it still came in waves; usually when I would least expect it. I had no deep friendships in close proximity yet but was hopeful for such a thing in my future. But for now being so new I settled on the fact that time was what I needed and patience was what I must have. 

 

Trying to focus on happy thoughts I was still starkly aware of the rumbling in my heart. It had started up around three o’clock and simply wouldn’t let up. Change was coming and was I grown up enough to wear it every day. Was I grown up enough to be a mother of six? Was I grown up enough to decide to settle down in Texas? Was I grown up enough period? 

 

It didn’t really matter because whether I was ready or not, the change was quite near my doorstep, slouching on the couch really with me as I kicked at a lone book that had missed the packed box.   I didn’t know whether to laugh or be more mad at myself for my lack of careful attention to detail. I certainly was no perfect packer. 

 

So sitting there slouched on my couch staring at the lone book my thoughts drifted to the new part of our family soon to join us.  I really couldn’t imagine what they must be going through emotionally. Their change was deep and complicated as they uproot from a home they have been in for over two years to live with us (almost strangers) in a new city with a new school and a new life.  Could I do it if I were them? Would I be grown up enough?  
 

Maybe I wasn't asking the right question.  Maybe it wasn't about being grown up enough. The reality is that we ourselves aren't totally and completely ready for the things that life brings our way. We’re never really ready for the things we bring upon ourselves. But, I suppose that in these times when not a whole lot makes sense and things are most certainly uncertain we can rest on the fact that we are not alone. We may feel pangs of loneliness, but we aren’t alone. When we can't see in front of us, beside us, or behind us we aren't alone.  No matter where we are in life, what choices we've made (whether they be good or bad) we are not alone.  We always and will always have the love of God on our side and His amazing and far reaching grace. So am I truly "grown up" for the task that is at hand? Part of me is. And for the rest of me that isn’t? Well, I know Someone who’s got my back, and today that is good enough for me.

Hey everyone!!  It's going pretty great here in Dallas with the kids!  Tuesday night everyone arrived here safe and sound.  We had a good dinner and hung out, we were all kind of exhausted.  On Wednesday we went to the Dallas Zoo which was super fun.  My Houston membership was reciprocal so we ALL got in for free.  I packed lunches and even though it was cooler and cloudy it kept the crowds at bay.  It is a really lovely zoo, very pretty.  Thursday we were mostly home cookin' and eating.  The kids have been visiting, playing games, video games, coloring and watching movies.  We did head out to the park before we stuffed ourselves with Turkey and then L and I went to "Australia".  We both loved it!!  Today the kids didn't sleep in of course and before lunch we ALL went to the Galleria to watch the Christmas Tree lighting.  Gold medal olympians Jaimie Salese and Davie Peltier (okay, butchered their names but hopefully you know who I'm talking about) performed.  Santa skated too with sparks flying out of his shoes and he did a flip which got the kids all excited. The tree was HUGE, I mean HUGE.  Very cool...but, by the end with 2 adults and 6 kids we were ready to leave.  Plus some old grandma was leaning all over us so SHE could see.   What about the kids lady???  I just got back from renting a movie for later and we're making homemade pizza for dinner. I think I might pop some kettle corn on the stove too for a special treat.  It's been relaxing and good!  I hope to take the older kids to our new house tomorrow to show them...and I need to got to Macy's to use my coupon.  Then it's Sunday and I take the kids back home.  I'll keep you posted on how the rest of our time goes!  Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers!

We're pretty excited...today we have a pre-placement visit with Z and T's brother and sister! They fly into Dallas tonight and stay until Sunday!  I'm so looking forward to it  but I'm nervous too!  I planned meals...activities...where they are sleeping...and I feel like I'm at a long job interview or a first date!!  But, I know I just need to be myself so I'm trying to chill out and just enjoy the time.

Today at 10am I go to our agency for a staffing meeting regarding the placement and that will really get the ball rolling.  Matt will be home with our sick kids (he's sick too) and be on conference call.  It's hard to believe that this is all really happening.  I'm sure I'll have stories to tell...

If I don't post again until after Thanksgiving may you all have a blessed holiday!  We do have so much to be thankful for.  Yesterday I was stomping around gathering up wayward dirty socks and grumbling about it when I remembered something I learned in Bible Study...to turn something to praise.  So instead of griping I began to praise God and thank him for the little feet in my house that those socks were on and so on.  It filled my heart with gladness, I am so blessed to be a mom!  I'm trying really hard this week especially to think of all the wonderful things that have happened in 2008.  Z came to live with us in January...Matt graduated with his Master's...he got a wonderful job in Dallas...we got T...we grew closer to God...bought a house...might be getting more kids...and the list goes on and on.

Happy Thanksgiving to my beautiful friends!

Niki

Thanks to Mix 102.9 here in Dallas I won 4 tickets to see the Russian ballet "The Nutcracker". So, with 2 kids in playcare and 2 kids to take to the show I wondered how the evening would go. Besides being hustled for money by a cussing man and having the parking lot attendant pretty much tell us to tip him or else...it was a great night! Of course the night wouldn't have been "Tschirgi" style if we hadn't bought A bottle of water and A bag of Skittles for $6.00. We also had to leave before it was over because two little boys lay sprawled across our laps and that for me signaled the end of the night!

I think I cried five times at least. The costumes, dancing, puppets, and music were so beautiful. I dare say the men's tights left little, okay nothing to the imagination which had 5 high school girls snickering behind me all night but still it was a most lovely experience. The boys seemed to really, really enjoy it and Alex copied all the dance moves through the night before he passed out on daddy's lap. His most favorite dance move of all? The rat's pawing at each other. He pawed all night long. We've got to get that kid into dance!

So here are a few pictures...not very good I might add because of the lighting and a low cost camera but hey, I did the best I could with what I had!

As I finished up my weekly women’s Bible study on “The Frazzled Female” I left the church feeling refreshed. I felt empowered, like I could do it (this thing called life), and I was also much closer to Jesus. Our final study was on John 17, and what a powerful study it was. A study about how Jesus, yes Jesus, prays to the Father for us. 

 

As we focused on verses 6, 9, and 23-24 we especially honed in on the fact that the Father gave a gift to Jesus. And what was that gift? Why that gift was us. Had I ever before considered that I was a love-gift to Jesus from the Father? That was one of the questions asked and I could only say NEVER! Never before had I quite seen it that way. The first thing that popped into my head as a love-gift to Jesus was that wow, he must take some serious pleasure in me. Isn’t that how I would feel if I received a love-gift? Wouldn’t I take great pleasure in it? It overwhelmed me a bit to think that I was a gift, greatly treasured and tenderly given by my Father above.

 

As we concluded our study we took time to personalize the prayer of Jesus from John 17. I know that if you will take the time right now to insert your name in the blanks that you too will be refreshed today. 

 

“I pray for __________. I am not praying for the world, but for __________ you have given me, for __________ [is] yours. All I have is yours, and all you have is mine. And glory has come to me through __________. I am coming to you now, but I say these things while I am still in the world, so that __________ may have the full measure of my joy within [her]. My prayer is not that you take __________ out of the world but that you protect [her] from the evil one. __________ [is] not of the world, even as I am not of it. Sanctify __________ by the truth; your word is the truth. As you sent me into the world, I have sent __________ into the world. For __________, I sanctify myself, that __________ too may be truly sanctified. Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and __________ know[s] that you have sent me. I have made you known to __________, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in __________ and that I myself may be in __________” (John 17:9-10,13,15-19,25-26 NIV).

 

These thoughts were taken from “The Frazzled Female: Finding Peace in the Midst of Daily Life” by Cindi Wood. I highly recommend this Bible Study to everyone!

 

May all of you have your day filled with the presence of God, the one who gave us as a love-gift to Christ.